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The process of making a friend is a very unique one. It depends on the person one is trying to become friends with, it depends on ones gender, it depends on ones age, but most importantly it depends ones personality. Every individual is different and how they make friends differs just as greatly. The way I make friends depends heavily on my personality. As an introverted person, I tend to first meet potential friends through what I call forced association. After the initial meeting, I evaluate them and determine whether or not I think they should be my friend. Bonding follows and acceptance is the final stage.
Making a new friend is by definition a new and non-routine interaction, therefore it is quite difficult for me to initiate the process. This is where the situation where another person and I are placed in an environment where we have no choice but to interact with each other. The largest and most important type of forced interaction for me is school, and more specifically, classes. It is impossible to be completely separate from other students in a class. Consequently, I met all my best friends in school . Another type of situation comes when you meet a friend, of one of your friends. It would be extremely rude to not interact with someone that your friend considered to be friend. That is the way that I met a very close friend of mine . Her name is Breanna . I was not friends with Breanna when I first met her. I had to figure out who she was before that could happen.
Evaluation has always been very important to me. I constantly evaluate and reevaluate myself, my friends, my schoolwork, and so forth, almost to the point of obsession. Before I can become friends with someone, I have to determine whether or not I want to be friends with them. If ones own needs in a relationship are not met then it is impossible for them to fulfill others. The first step in evaluation is the establishment of common ground. It is very unlikely that I will become even casual friends with someone who I have nothing in common with.
One of the first things I look for is intelligence. Part of my personality is the love of intelligence. A very important part of a friendship for me is intellectual stimulation. If it is missing, the friendship will begin to fail. So intelligence and knowledge are two things I look for almost immediately in a new acquaintance. Breanna possesses both of these qualities and she possesses them in areas that we both find interesting. Both of us have an interest in the sciences. But knowledge and skills alone make a person boring, so I also look for common personality traits.
After I get to know someone and I think we should become friends, I try to spend as much time with them as possible. Mostly for the purpose of bonding but also for continued evaluation. The evaluation never really ends, it just becomes easier as I get to know them better and better. But if at any time, they fail to meet my standards for friendship, I make it clear to them, either by direct confrontation or by spending time with them less frequently. If change is not affected
then the friendship will fade away. But the main purpose of bonding is to get to know them as well as possible, and for them to get to know me as well as possible. To this end, we will frequently go out to movies, participate in after-school groups together, and basically spend time together. This not only leads to a closer relationship, it provides a set of common experiences we can both draw upon. Breanna and I ate lunch together at her house every day, went out to movies on the weekend frequently This getting to know each other, or bonding, allowed us to cement our relationship. Once that was accomplished, acceptance naturally followed. Acceptance is always the goal for me when I start a friendship. True acceptance for me only exists with my closest friends. Acceptance is the time when I can truly be myself. It is when I can say what I mean without having to worry about hurting peoples feelings or having them think less of me. This is possible because after acceptance, I know that most anything I say will not hurt my close friends and vice versa.
Acceptance is a nice break from the process of becoming friends because it is where the evaluation is almost non- existent . But acceptance is by no means easy to come by. It is unlikely that I will reach that stage with more than a handful of friends in my lifetime. I prefer to have a small group of friends that I have lengthy contact with as opposed to a large group of friends who I do not know as well. Also, once I have reached acceptance with a couple or a few friends, it is almost impossible for me to reach it with any other friends. I only have so much time to spend with people and I do not want to split it up in too many ways. Therefore I prefer to keep a few very close friends with whom I can share a deep and meaningful relationship with.
Friends are one of the things that make life worth living. Along with my family, they provide a support structure and a group that I can share happiness with. Making friends has never been, and never will be, an easy process for me. Although my process of making friends is a long and arduous one, the end result far outweighs any risks of rejection I may take.
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