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If Sharks Were People
"If Sharks were people," asked the daughter of the innkeeper of Mr. E., "would they be nicer to the little fish than grown-ups are to us?"
"Of course," he answered. If sharks were people, they would have massive boxes built for the little fishes, with all kinds of foods in them, both meat as well as vegetables. The sharks would insure that the boxes would always have fresh water in them, and they would certainly meet all the measures of sanitation and health required. For example, if a little fish injured its fin, then the sharks would immediately provide a bandage, so that the little fish would not die before its time. So that the little fishies would not get depressed, there would also be huge water festivals, because happy fish actually taste better than sad ones.
Naturally there would be schools in these massive boxes, in which the little fishies would learn how to swim into the jaws of the sharks. For example, they would need geography courses, so that the little fishies could find the big sharks, who would be lazily lying about at various places in the ocean. But the main point of the schools would be in the moral training, the socialization of the little ones. They would be taught that it would be the greatest and most beautiful honor to offer themselves as a martyrs; and they would have to believe in the sharks, above all when the sharks promised to be working on a glorious future for the little fishies. The teachers would instruct the little ones to believe that this glorious future would be certain only if the little ones learned obedience to authority. Additionally, the little fishies would be taught to guard themselves against all low, materialistic, egoistic, and Marxist temptations and immediately inform the sharks whenever the little ones saw any of their friends display such tendencies.
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If sharks were people, there would natrually be wars fought among them, in order to conquer foreign fish boxes and little foreign fish. The wars would be led by the sharks' own little fishies, and the little fish would be taught that there was a big difference between them and the little fishies of other sharks, huge differences. The little fishies, all of whom would be kept relatively ignorant, would be informed through shark-approved media about what the foreign fish were up to, and therefore all schools of fish would remain silent to each other in their own language, since they were properly and accurately informed of all they needed to know by the sharks.
There would also be no need for the little fishies to get involved in anything of importance, since the sharks take care of them for their own good; and it would also be for their own good that the little fishies didn't mix with the foreign fishies. One never could tell how that might effect the various schools.
Each little fishy that killed another, foreign, other-language-speaking fishy in
the war would be given an honor and a medal made out of seaweed and told that he was a hero.
And naturally there would be an Art, if sharks were people. There would be beautiful pictures in which the sharks' teeth in their gleamingly neat rows would be portrayed, the insides of the jaws presented as pure and enticing pleasure gardens into which the heroic little fishies would so willingly be streaming, as if going intoxicated into an amusement park on a three-day pass.
There would certainly be a religion in the ocean, if sharks were people. In the churches named for sharks, they would teach the little fishies that life would really begin only when they were finally down inside the bellies of the sharks.
And the notion of egalitarianism among little fishies (as it is now) would cease. Some of the little fish would receive official posts and be made bigger, thus being placed above the others in status, which would suit the sharks just fine, since the sharks actually prefer larger portions per serving. And these bigger, post-given fish would be put in charge of keeping order and stability among the littler ones by becoming teachers, officers, engineers of fish boxes, and so forth.
In short, there would finally be a culture in the ocean, if sharks were people.
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