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How do you know that you're a part of this patriotic movement sweeping the nation? Sure, you bought the flag, and maybe your uncle Billy Joe Bob from the biker gang known as the Spyders wears the U S of A flag-bandana, but where are you? Here I would like to share with you the Easy Steps to becoming a true patriot. Now be forewarned, these steps may seem a little rash at first, but this is simply a test to see if you are 'patrioty' enough. Once you have accepted that you must love and honor your country at all costs, the next small factor you must accept is that anyone and anything standing between you and the title of most 'patrioty' in your local area can, and must, be eliminated.
First of all, get your Patrioty People's Starter List from www.reallypatrioty people.com. First off, go ahead and make sure there is nothing on this list that is against any of your religious obligations or personal morals, if there is, it's time to change faiths, and drop anything your momma taught you that goes against your country. If you are not able to do this, go ahead and just electrocute yourself by attaching two large metal cables to those piercings on your buttocks. But if you are able to continue, set up each object as indicated, as soon as you buy it. For instance, that 50' x 50' flag should promptly become a part of your roof with the aid of a nail gun. And any flag smaller than the size of a poster board should become a part of your car's paint job using that 60 Second Epoxy found at your local, American owned, Advanced Auto Parts. Also, that bandana should never come off your head, with the exception of during meals, hand to hand combat with those Comi-Japs, or while you shower.
Next, begin cracking down on those non-American sounding business's and organizations in your area. You can find these easily in your phone book, simply flip through and look for those weird names. Begin your daily patrioty exercises by calling these numbers and leaving threatening messages. If you are American enough to continue this for a week, at least 1/4th of the non-American businesses will change their numbers, cutting their business down to at least half. For those who have the audacity to keep their numbers, can be persuaded to change their minds, and by persuaded I do mean tortured in a 1th century style dungeon. You have no idea what type of wonders losing a limb, or a simple public beheading will do to bring those foreigners on to our side.
And finally, begin a quest to find all those foolish non-Americans using our inter-state highway systems. Begin following one person after another, attempting whatever necessary to get their tires to churn gravel in those ditches next to the roadways; a simple side swipe should take them off the road if they don't do so voluntarily, following your obscene hand gestures. Of course, you will get clean away if you have enough flags attached to your car, because, hey, everyone knows a true patriot when they see one.
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