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To All Parents

In light of the traumatic events of September 11th, we would like to offer you a brief set of suggestions regarding what to say to your children.

General Guidelines

o Children can respond very differently to a tragedy, depending on their developmental age, and their own personal style of coping. Some children will want to talk a lot; some may not want to talk at all. The important thing is to take your cues from them; their questions and comments often indicate how much they can manage.

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o If your child does want to talk about what he or she has heard about the disaster, allow him or her to express feelings. Let them know that it is normal to feel upset, scared, mad, or confused.

o As to their questions The challenge for you as parents is to provide some kind of explanation for an inexplicable event and at the same time to provide your children with reassurance that they are safe. This is not an easy balance to arrive at or maintain given enormity of what you yourselves must begin to process. Be honest in your acknowledgment of the frightening aspects of this traumatic event. But only share information that you are certain is correct, keeping in mind your child’s age and disposition. Do not hesitate to say that you don’t know the answer to a child’s question if you don’t know it.

o When you do respond, titrate the amount and content of what you say; listen to what your child is taking in, whether what you are saying is calming them or raising their anxiety. Remind them that an event like this is extremely rare; that they themselves are safe, that people do survive and that our police/military are doing all they can to prevent it from happening again. Children, no matter how bright or sophisticated, need to feel that in their universe, you are there to keep them secure and protected. Reassurance can come in many forms maintaining daily routines and expectations is one important way.

o We encourage you to limit the amount of television exposure.

o Activity can be helpful. Participating in organized community responses (e.g., food-drives, clean-up activities, etc.) can be a vital piece of the healing process for all. Let your child draw pictures or write letters to the police officers/firefighters/medical personnel or others who are directly involved in the tragedy.

o You know your child(ren). Only provide with them information you are comfortable providing.

For parents of children in Pre-K through second grade

o Be truthful but simple. Answer only what they ask about; avoid unnecessary elaboration and avoid frightening details.

o Let children know that the ‘grownups’ are in charge. Assure your child that they have nothing to do with what happened and that the grownups are taking care of things.

For children in grades three and four

o As they get older, children will be increasingly inclined to speak with each other. Encourage your child to tell you what he or she is hearing so that you can help them determine its validity.

o You can be somewhat clearer about the details that you are certain about. There are likely to be a lot of rumors and misinformation floating about. You want to be very careful about the veracity of any details you provide. Speculation is more likely evoke anxiety than to quell it.

o Children of this age still need to be reassured and told that the grownups are taking care of things.

For children in grades five and six

o Children at this age will have heard much of what you’ve heard via the media or their peers. There can be a broader range of discussion with them. You can be more specific in your account of what you know to be true. But as always, use your judgment and avoid being unnecessarily frightening.

o Although older, children at this age still need to be reassured that in your hands or at school, they are safe and secure.

How do I explain this to my children? I cant even explain it to myself.

When the unimaginable happens, children as well as adults are frightened and worried. Help your kids feel secure. The best way to do this is simply by being there. Spend lots of time together in a warm and secure emotional climate. This reassures the child more than anything else that the world is still safe. Listen carefully to your childs worries and try not to prematurely cut off discussion or expressions of feeling, with anxious reassurance. Let your child know that other people - including yourself - feel the same.

Let your child know what you are doing to make sure that you are safe and secure and also what the government is doing to make sure everyone is safe and secure - without overloading with them with too much information.

Help your child understand that the actions of a few individuals or groups should not lead to feeling hateful or scared of other people -- that most people around the world share a common humanity and that to deal with such tragedies requires that we all work together.

I had to place my child in a different school (daycare) because the school (daycare) was damaged and then closed due to the events of September 11, 001. Is there any assistance available to help me pay the increased cost of sending my child to this new school (daycare)?

No. FEMA does not have any programs to address this issue. In addition, FEMA is not aware of any organization that does address this concern at this time.

What if my childs friend has lost a loved one?

Tell your child to be available and be a good friend. See if there is anything you can do to help. Listen to them and help them express their grief. This may come in different forms, and assure them that any form is okay. Let them know you care about them.

Its important to not overload them with too much information. Keep everything simple and respond to your childs concerns and feelings in an understanding way. Let them know their feelings are normal, their grief is normal, and that they are entering a tough time including mourning and healing. Encourage them to remember their lost friend - talk about fun memories; this may help them achieve positive closure.

How do you explain terrorism to children?

Discussion of terrorism has to be geared to the childs age and maturity. The key in talking with children is to not lecture, but let them do a lot of the talking. Try to discuss the issues at their level of reasoning and comprehension. Try to get a sense of what they think.

For a very young child, it can be explained in very simple terms -- like explaining that someone did something very bad. It is not a bad idea to avoid the topic if you have very young children, because it is scary for them.

For a school-age child, you can begin having a discussion that is a bit more complex but not too complex. It should be discussed in two contexts simultaneously the fundamental wrongness of actions that take other peoples lives, but also the longer term goal of helping people resolve conflict through negotiation and problem solving, not violence. Even for young children, the importance of problem solving can be a valuable lesson.

For a teenager, the issues can be discussed much in the way that adults discuss them. Encourage them to research the term terrorism, have open discussions about past events and encourage them to ask any and all questions that may arise.

Any suggestions on how to talk to angry kids and teenagers?

Dont take what young children say literally because they may change their feelings and ideas (such as fear of flying) in a few weeks. Focus on their feelings.

The key here is to provide security, and to make yourself available for talk, so that they can talk themselves down from their rage and see the larger picture. Explain that this is bigger than anything youve even dealt with in your own lifetime and everyone is working through their emotions - from grief to anger to acceptance. Help them see that most people in the world do see a common humanity and we cant let a few individuals undermine that.

Be very available for them but dont force them to talk about it. If you think a teenager is going to do something violent or aggressive seek professional counseling.

What should parents and educators do to assist children of different ages and differing ethnic and religious backgrounds? How much exposure should they be given to media reports and video and live coverage of these events?

Depending on the childrens age, there should be various degrees of exposure. Focus more on words than pictures.

For very young children, it is best for parents to tell them what is going on about what they hear and see but not have them exposed to the news broadcast.

For school children, again based on their age, they will be getting some exposure in school and it is very important for parents to be with children when they are watching the news. Parents should keep it fairly brief so that children are not inundated with images of terrorism.

What can children do to remember their friends they might have lost? What are some things we can do with our children to pay homage to the thousands of dead and wounded from these attacks?

One way to remember lost friends is to make and send cards to remaining family members. This will provide a way to express their feelings about what happened. Teacher may want to create projects that provide a way to contribute something to a charity in the childs name. In school or at home, try to do a project that honors the people, whether it be for charity or an organization --give the children something that will make them feel they are taking positive action.

Is it okay to let your children see you cry?

Yes. Try to explain to them why you are upset in general terms but not in too many details.

Additional Information

• The most important role for parents is to give children reassurance and psychological first-aid. Take this opportunity to let them know that if anything like this ever happened again, your primary concern would be their safety. Make sure they know they are being protected.

• Trauma results in part when a child cannot give meaning to these types of dangerous experiences. Find out what he or she understands about the attacks. Their ability to cope will be determined in part by their age and their exposure to the event. Begin a dialogue to help them gain a basic understanding that would be appropriate for their age.

• For children who have been directly impacted by the tragedy, either by losing a parent or close family member or friend, parents should consider counseling, not just individual counseling for the child, but family counseling. It may be an important measure.

• Not every child will experience these events in the same way. As children develop, their intellectual, physical and emotional potentials change. Understand that teenagers, because of their greater capacity for understanding, may be harder hit, and while they may be close to adulthood, they still need extra love, understanding and support to get through these confusing times.

• Turn off the television. Watching television reports on disasters may overwhelm young children. They may not understand that the tape of an event is being replayed, and instead think the disaster is happening over and over again. Overexposure to coverage of the events affects teenagers and adults as well. Television limits should be set for both you and your children.

• Give your children extra time and attention. They need your close, personal involvement to experience that they are safe and secure. Talk, play and, most important, listen to them. Read bedtime stories and sing songs to help them fall asleep.

• Children learn by example. Your child will learn how to deal with these events by seeing how you deal with them. Explain your feelings, expressing your views and emotions about the attack, but remember to do so calmly. Dont pass on your anger and fears.

• Be careful to avoid racial stereotyping, slurs or expressions of hatred against groups of people. This is also an opportunity to teach your children that it is wrong to hate an entire group of people for the heinous acts of a few.

• Help your children return to normal activities. Children almost always benefit from activity, goal orientation and sociability.

Its hard to believe whats happened. Its even harder to watch the images weve all been seeing in the newspapers and on TV. Terrorism is a violent act committed by people who want to get attention for their cause. Terrorism scares everyone because no one knows when or where it will take place. Right now, it seems like the entire world is upside down and confusing.

Christians, Jews, Muslims and people of many other religious faiths joined together for A Prayer for America at Yankee Stadium in New York on Sunday. Joining hands and hearts, they mourned the victims and honored the heroes of the September 11th attacks on America. Security was tight at the televised event, held especially for the families of victims and the rescue workers who have become American heroes.

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